I’m in my second year in a Ph.D. program, and while I enjoy my studies for the most part, things sometimes get pretty tough. Occasionally I have an “I hate my life” moment. Don’t get me wrong, not for one minute do I truly regret going straight from college to grad school. I’m in an amazing academic program, and I know I'm incredibly fortunate just to be here. In the end it’ll all be worth it. Right now I'm just paying my dues, like we all have to. And as someone pointed out recently, I chose this path and have no room to really complain. I could have elected to do something else with my ever-so-marketable bachelor's degree in psychology.
I'm not writing this to complain, just to lay out the realities that come with the path I've taken; had I known these things a year ago, life might have been easier. But at least I can say I’ve gained a lot of wisdom in one year, and that's not even counting what I learned in my classes! Anyway, having stated where I’m coming from, here’s an honest look (based on my experiences) about what day-to-day life might be like in grad school:
Your standard of living will take a hit. Grad students don't tend to have high incomes. Chances are good you'll be living on a limited stipend coming from your assistantship. Consider yourself fortunate if you have one of these positions (not every student is lucky enough to land one), but be aware that for the most part, discretionary cash is extremely limited. The irony is that graduate institutions tend to be located in larger cities where everything costs more. You can get by, but it's not always fun. Be prepared to turn down some invitations and NOT splurge on that adorable sweater you tried on at the Gap so you can pay bills and keep yourself fed. Budget budget budget.
You will gain weight. Between everyday stresses, not always being able to afford high quality food, and often not having the time to cook or exercise, you aren't likely to keep your college figure. Meals – especially at stressful points in the semester - tend to be on the go and may not be nutritious or low-fat. Combine this with being older and the necessity of spending more time at a desk than out running around, and you have a high chance of putting on a few pounds.
You will not have truly free time. The number of papers and assignments is astronomical and most will be long. You will read more than you thought humanly possible. (I promise.) Every moment spent "at leisure" is borrowed time and more often than not, you will have something hanging over your head. The upside is that you will learn to truly appreciate any relaxed moment in which you aren't feeling guilty for not reading this chapter or critiquing that journal article.
Your social life will suffer. Thanks to lack of free time and lack of money, you won't be able to get out and do things with friends as often as you would like. If you're a psychology major who's taken learning theory, keep repeating this to yourself: "Larger long-term reward...larger long-term reward..." It really does help during those moments when you feel like the entire adult world is out having fun and you're the only one stuck writing a paper on a Saturday night.
You will sometimes feel very isolated. All your classmates will be busy with their own coursework, their own research projects, their own external lives. People often don't have time to be your friend. Also, graduate students tend to be of widely varying ages and experiences; unlike college, you aren’t all at the same point in life. Almost everyone I’ve met here is wonderful, but I don't have much in common with many people. If you're used to making your close friends in your classes, be aware that this may not necessarily happen.
You will not have (much) time for dating. Older students tell me that dating and being a good grad student are mutually exclusive, but I don't believe that. I will concede that making it work can be really hard. You have to truly want to devote time and energy to the relationship. Odds are good that you'll come to value a partner who has independent interests, because there will be times when you'll have to tell that person to go away, you're busy (in the nicest way possible, of course). That being said, there really is no "good" time for a lot of stuff and life’s short, so if you meet someone for whom you truly care, GO FOR IT and work hard to make everything balance.
This is not your undergrad institution. Odds are decent that it's a bigger school in a bigger city, and the culture might be very different. If you come from a small college, I think the difference is fairly pronounced. Not everyone will be friendly. It’s not that they’re rude - people generally mean well, and a lot of them are very nice. It's just that with so many more students on campus, staff may not always have the time to deal with you on the personal basis to which you are accustomed, and the result is that things are slightly less user-friendly. Plus at a public university, procedures may be far more constrained by politics. Also, the student population is probably a lot more diverse, both in terms of age and background. This will inform the atmosphere of the school. Unless you did your undergrad at the same school where you're pursuing graduate studies, things will probably be quite different. Be prepared for a little culture shock.
Some friendships will not survive. No life pursuit is better or worse than any other - we're all different, with unique interests and goals - but the fact remains that grad school is incredibly intense. It can be hard for other people to understand what it's like to be you, just like it can be hard for you to really get what life is like when it's shaped by the pressures of a budding career. You may find that you simply don't have much in common with people who are out working and focused on their jobs. There will also be people who aren't supportive and understanding of your goals and who put unfair demands on your time. This doesn't mean that they are bad people, but it does mean that these relationships are probably not the ones in which to invest effort. As heartless as this may seem, these people will be a negative influence and you're better off not being close to them; recognize this and ease yourself away from those relationships. But on the flip side...
You will learn which friends are blessings. You'll see which friends truly support and care about you. These are the people who understand when you have to break plans to finish a paper; who want to have fun with you but don't make constant demands on your time; who encourage you to make good decisions that will help you realize your goals. They might be other grad students who are right there in the trenches with you or people who are a breath of fresh air and a delight to be around. These also turn out to be the people for whom you'd drop everything, no questions asked, if they needed you – even the night before your oral prelim – because they’ve probably made a similar sacrifice for you (or would without thinking twice). Recognize these gems and love and appreciate them.
You will sometimes be so stressed you will cry, and it will probably be justified. I called a friend literally sobbing the night before my stats midterm last spring. I had studied and studied and worked so hard on the take-home test, but I knew I wasn't ready for the in-class exam. I was terrified; I have never failed anything in my whole life and I didn't want to start. This will probably happen to you. It engenders a lot of anxiety, and it's not fun, but it comes with the territory.
You are a nerd. In whatever field you're studying. There isn't anything wrong with it, but it’s your reality. You’ll have that. That area is your intense focus for however many years it takes you to finish your degree, so a bit of a fixation follows logically. If it happens to you, don’t worry, you’re still normal. Embrace your nerdiness; love what you’re doing and love yourself for doing it.
